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Script from a 1950s Movie

Evil Villain (holding gun): And so you see, you unfortunate people, that is why I have to kill all of you. Unfortunate Captive (tied up with all the other unfortunate people): But that doesn’t make sense. If the thermo-combobulator causes a diffractive reaction, then what difference does it make to you if you just release us? Evil Villain (holding gun): I have already explained that. Unfortunate Captive (tied up with all the other unfortunate people): Your explanation has a flaw in it, Evil Villain (holding gun). Evil Villain (holding gun): What is the flaw? Unfortunate Captive (tied up with all the other unfortunate people): I have already explained that. Evil Villain (holding gun): Your explanation has a flaw in it, unfortunate captive (tied up with all the other unfortunate people). Unfortunate Captive (tied up with all the other unfortunate people): Hey, we just keep repeating each other. Who wrote this script, anyway? Evil Villain (holding gun): Aw, there’s no use in tr...
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Rather Sternly

  Rather Sternly A Few Short Works by Robert Arvay The Triangle A lot of people have the mistaken impression that, in an orchestra, the easiest instrument to play is the triangle. Well, that’s just not true.  Actually, the triangle is the most difficult of all instruments to play.  That’s why I was selected to play it in the Plant City Fill Harmonica Orchestra. You see, any other instrument you play, you hold it firmly in your hand, so that you always know where it is.  Not so with the triangle.  You hold it while it dangles from a string.  It takes years of training (if you count the day you were born) to master the art of holding that string just so. So there I was.  My part in the whole entire evening of orchardly – or kestrally — whatever, my whole part came down to one critical moment in the entire composition, when at precisely, exactly the right instant, I was to strike that triangle with that little shiny thingy that they ...
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The Most Realistic Mystery Novel Ever

  The Most Realistic Mystery Novel Ever —by Robert Arvay As an amateur writer of fiction, I have often wondered how other writers come up with the names for their characters. Then, one day, I thought to myself that, just about everybody in real life knows at least two people who have the same exact name. Yet, I know of no fiction writers who give two of their characters the same name. To correct that, I am writing a mystery novel that is realistic enough to give characters the same name. After all, it COULD happen in real life, so why not in fiction? Here are the opening lines of the story: John Smith was speaking to John Smith about John Smith, when John Smith entered the room. “Hey,” he said, “I just found some interesting information on John Smith.” John Smith asked, “Do you mean John Smith?” “No,” John Smith replied. “I’m talking about John Smith.” “Oh, him,” John Smith said.
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Championship Tic-Tac-Toe: The Complete Guide to Winning Strategies

My latest book teaches the ins and outs of the classic game, Tic-Tac-Toe.  This is a game of subtle strategy and decisive tactics, but with my instructional book, you can quickly learn to master the winning moves.  Championship Tic-Tac-Toe:  The Complete Guide to Winning Strategies , will take you step by step through the complexities of this popular game, and make you the envy of your neighbors. The author is a lifetime grandmaster of the game, and has defeated some of the most expert beginners in kindergartens around the country, rarely losing. Many people underestimate the game, calling it simple and easy.   Nothing could be further from falsehood.   For example, did you know that another name for tic-tac-toe is, crosses and naughts?   I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you?   Well, okay, maybe you did, but that’s not the point.   The point is that, if you did not know that, then by the time you finished reading my book, you would have. T...
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Important Meetings Scheduled

The time-travelers convention will be held yesterday at a place to be announced.   A good time will be had by all. The tenth annual procrastinators meeting will be held in the usual place—which is nowhere, since none of you ever shows up.   If you do, it will actually be the first annual meeting. The liar’s convention will be held at the Grand Canyon, if you can believe that. The meeting of hopelessly confused people, will convene tomorrow at 8 AM to schedule a meeting to decide when and where to hold tomorrow’s 8 AM meeting. The fortune-tellers meeting will be held at the time and place you already predicted. The pessimist meeting will probably not be held.   What would be the point?   Nothing good will come of it. The mind-readers meeting . . . . The gate-crashers meeting will be held next week.   None of you are invited. The hurry-up meeting has already been held.   You missed it. The tardy-people meeting will be hel...
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I Went to a White House Banquet!

Now that I have returned from Washington DC, I am at liberty to reveal my activities of the past week. I had the enormous honor of having been invited to a White House banquet. Imagine my excitement as I entered the banquet hall, wearing the official White House white shirt, black bow tie and waistcoat.  I thought it looked unstylish, but quite a few of the men were wearing the same thing, so I did not feel out of place.  Although I did find the apron a bit mysterious. Just as I took my seat at my rightful place at the head of the banquet table, next to the Vice President, a security agent came rushing up and told me I was urgently needed in the kitchen. Honored to be called upon in this emergency, I was escorted to the kitchen, only to find that matters were already well in hand. While there, I was offered a tray by a (mere) servant, and I proceeded with it toward my rightful place of honor at the banquet table.  Unfortunately, my seat had already be...
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The Triangle

Part 1 A lot of people have the mistaken impression that the triangle is the easiest instrument to play in an orchestra. Well, that’s just not true. Actually, the triangle is the most difficult of all instruments to play.  That’s why I was selected to play it in the Plant City Fill Harmonica Orchestra. You see, any other instrument you play, you hold it firmly in your hand, so that you always know where it is. Not so with the triangle.  You hold it while it dangles from a string. It takes years of training (if you count the day you were born) to master the art of holding that string just so. So there I was.  My part in the whole entire evening of orchardly – or kestrally --- whatever, my whole part came down to one critical moment in the entire composition, when at precisely, exactly the right instant, I was to strike that triangle with that little shiny thingy that they give you to hit it with. The conductor (I never figured out why they called hi...
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