I Went to a White House Banquet!


Now that I have returned from Washington DC, I am at liberty to reveal my
activities of the past week.

I had the enormous honor of having been invited to a White House banquet.

Imagine my excitement as I entered the banquet hall, wearing the official
White House white shirt, black bow tie and waistcoat.  I thought it looked
unstylish, but quite a few of the men were wearing the same thing, so I did
not feel out of place.  Although I did find the apron a bit mysterious.

Just as I took my seat at my rightful place at the head of the banquet
table, next to the Vice President, a security agent came rushing up and told me I
was urgently needed in the kitchen.

Honored to be called upon in this emergency, I was escorted to the kitchen,
only to find that matters were already well in hand.

While there, I was offered a tray by a (mere) servant, and I proceeded with
it toward my rightful place of honor at the banquet table.  Unfortunately,
my seat had already been taken by the President, and I was too polite to ask him
to move.  So I searched around for another empty seat, only to discover that
dignitaries (other than myself) kept walking up to me and taking food off
my tray.  Soon, the tray was empty.

Not wishing to bother the (mere) servants, I decided now that I knew where
the kitchen was, to go reload my own tray.  (Humility is the one of my many
virtues of which I am most proud.)  I did so, and a (mere) servant
obediently offered me a full tray.

However, once again, the same thing happened as before.  The (other)
dignitaries seemed unashamed to swipe food off my tray rather than get their
own.

I encountered a hot babe with a low cut, cleavage-revealing, evening dress
and started to put a move on her, when some European jerk came up to me and
challenged me to a duel.  I must have had some food morsels on my chin, and
he was polite enough to clean them off by slapping my face with his white
gloves.  So I figured that he couldn't be all that bad a guy after all.  I
told him to meet me in the garden for the duel, but I just didn't have the
heart to kill him, so I stayed inside and locked him out.

I found the babe again, and she was obviously impressed with my manly show
of mercy to that euro guy.  She kept calling me by some French title of
nobility.  It sounded like, peh-zahnt, or whatever.

Too soon, the banquet was over, and I had not yet eaten!  Imagine my
surprise when a security agent offered me a place in the president's top
secret dining chamber.  Sadly, he took me to the wrong place, and I wound up
in a dishwashing room, where the (mere) servants mistook me for a (mere)
servant and made me wash dishes.

After that, they took away my dignitary uniform, and gave me back the tuxedo
in which I had arrived.

I figured that I should get paid for my efforts, and so I said to the Vice President,
"There's a little matter of money here."

So he emptied my wallet.

Needless to say, that's the last time I ever accept an invitation to a White
House banquet.
.

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