The Most Realistic Mystery Novel Ever

LITTLE BILLY

 

Little Billy awoke one morning with a sense of urgency.  Quickly, he got on the telephone and dialed the operator.

“Operator,” she said.  She always said that.

“Quick,” Billy answered.  He was ten years old, by the way.  “Put me through to the president.”
            “Okay,” the operator answered, sensing the urgency in Billy’s voice.  “I’ll call Washington, DC right away.”

A few seconds later, a voice at the other end of the line said, “President’s office.  Jake speaking.  What do you want?”

Billy answered with a sense of urgency, as only a ten-year-old can.  “Quick,” he said.  “I need to talk to the president.”

“Sorry,” Jake said.  “He’s in a meeting right now.  Is it important?”

“You bet it is,” Billy answered.  “Do you think I’d be calling the President of the United States if it weren’t important?”

There was a brief silence as Jake pondered the matter for a moment.  Then he said, “Well, I guess you’re right.  So what is it?”

“Well,” Billy answered, “last night, I had a bad dream.”

“You did?,” Jake said, “What kind of dream?”

“About flying saucers,” Billy replied.  “I dreamed that we were attacked by an alien civilization from outer space.  It was so real that I’m sure it’s going to happen--- a week from today.”

“Hmm,” Jake said.  “Hold on.”  He put his hand over the phone and turned to where the president was sitting at his desk, doing president stuff.  “Hey, president,” he said.  “There’s a ten year old boy on the line.  He says he had a dream last night about the earth being attacked by flying saucers from outer space.”
            A look of concern came over the president’s face.  “Sounds serious,” he said.  Then, “Jake, cancel all my appointments.  Send Air Force One to get that kid and bring him here.  Have the Joint Chiefs of Staff ready to plan a defensive strategy.”

“Yes sir,” Jake said.

A few hours later, Air Force One Landed at Andrews Air Force Base near the White House.  As Billy stepped off the plane, a crowd of news reporters pressed in on him with stupid questions.  “What kind of aliens are they?  What kind of weapons will they use?  What do they look like?  Is there any chance that they will be peaceful?”

Little Billy got scared and started to cry.

Soon, he was in the White House at the head of a conference table, facing the president, the generals and admirals, and some other people who looked important, but weren’t.

Billy described his dream in great detail.

Then one of the generals said, “According to your dream, these aliens are so incredibly advanced, so powerful, and so ruthless, that there’s nothing we can do about them.  We are doomed.”

But Billy would have none of that defeatist attitude.  He stood tall and proud, and made a great speech about courage, about never giving up, about fearlessness in the face of overwhelming danger.

Shamed, the generals agreed that they had to at least try.

So the president ordered a general mobilization of all the nation’s armed might.  He contacted the UN and they agreed to schedule a meeting about it, as long as there was no talk about offending the aliens.  Billions of dollars were spent, trillions in fact, and even whatever comes after trillions.  But who cared?  There was nothing to fear except the fact that Billy’s dream might not have been real after all.

And well they feared that.  A week came and went and there was no alien attack.

Billy was sent home without supper.

A few days later he had another dream.  In this one, there was a worldwide earthquake.  The earth was covered with open fissures.  Out of these, there crawled horrible goblins, which grabbed millions of people and pulled them down into the fissures to a horrible fate.

When Billy woke up, he tried to warn the White House.  But they wouldn’t believe him.  “Look,” Jake said.  “You made fools of us the last time.  We’re not going to let that happen again.  Besides, we’re out of money.  You made us spend it all.”
            “But--- you have to believe me,” Billy begged.  “A week from now we could all be dead.”

But they ignored him.  Another week came and went, but there was no earthquake, no goblins, and nobody died.  In the following weeks, Billy continued to have more dreams, but after that, he kept them to himself.

 

Moral of the story:  if it ever really does happen, we won’t be prepared.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

THE GENERALS

 

The generals stood about the table plotting strategy.

One of them said, “I say we attack.  Yeah, that’s it.  An all-out frontal attack on the enemy’s strongest defenses.  Once we break through, they won’t have a chance.”

The other generals nodded in agreement.  Then one of them said, “And after that, we attack their rear lines and wreak havoc on their logistics.”

“Yeah,” said another.  “And I say we take no prisoners.”

“Right!  Take no prisoners,” agreed another.

“Wait.”  At this point another general was confused.  “Take no prisoners?” he asked.

“That’s right,” said the other general.  “Ask no quarter, give no quarter.”

“But--- but I don’t understand,” the confused general stammered.   “Then what are we supposed to do when enemy soldiers surrender?  Just let them go?”

“No, you idiot,” the first general said.  “We kill them.  We annihilate the enemy.  We slaughter them wherever they are to be found.  Show no mercy, expect no mercy.  Kill them all.  That’s what I say.”

“Oh.”

“And then,” a general said, “final victory will be ours.  We will have defeated the enemy once and for all.”

“Great plan!” said another general.  “I say we attack at dawn.  Are there any questions?”

At first there were no questions.  But then one general did raise his hand.

“Yes, what is it?” another general asked.  “What kind of question could you possibly have?  We have planned every detail, and the plan looks perfect.”

“Well,” said the general with the question.  “I was just wondering.  What if we get killed?”

The other generals snorted their disgust.  “What kind of stupid question is that?”

But then, after awhile, they started thinking about it.  War is an inherently dangerous undertaking.  Even in the rear lines, enemy missiles can reach with deadly effect.  What if they indeed did get killed?  What then?

So they called the whole thing off.

 

Moral of the story:  There’s no such thing as a stupid question.

 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

 

RATHER STERNLY

 

            A man was walking down a busy city street when a woman got in his way.

            “Get out of my way,” he said to her.

            But the woman did not like the tone of his voice.  “And what if I don’t?” she challenged.

            “Why, then,” the man said, “I shall--- I shall have to speak to you rather sternly.”

            The woman was horrified, so much so that it attracted the attention of a nearby policeman.  He walked over to the two of them and said, “Madam, is this man annoying you?”

            “Worse than that,” the woman answered.  “He has just threatened to speak to me rather sternly.”

            The policeman now turned his attention to the man.  “Is this true?” he interrogated.

            “I’m afraid it is.” The man said.  “You see, I was walking down this busy city street when this woman got in my way.  I told her, get out of my way.  But she didn’t like the tone of my voice and--- well, things got a bit out of hand, and--- well, I was left with no other choice.”

            The policeman was visibly upset.  “I’m visibly upset,” he said.  “Since when do men walking down busy city streets have the temerity to threaten women (who get in their way) with speaking rather sternly to them?”

            “Now just a minute,” the man said.  “You’re not taking her side, are you?”

            The policeman replied.  “I shall have to take you to jail.  Now come along peaceably, or I shall handcuff you.”

            In court, the entire matter was explained to the judge.  The judge was outraged.  “How would you like it,” the judge demanded to know, “if I threatened to speak to you rather sternly?  Huh?”

            The man considered the matter, and at last he saw the light.  “I guess I wouldn’t like it,” he said.

            “There, then,” the judge said.  “See to it that this never happens again.  If I see you in court after this, then I will speak to you rather sternly about it.”

 

Moral of the story:  Never speak to anyone rather sternly.

 

 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

DETECTIVE JOE

 

            One day Detective Joe---

            Wait.  Let me start over.  I made it sound like Joe was a one-day detective, which he wasn’t.  He was a detective most days.

            One day, Detective Joe was seated at his desk, when the phone rang.

            He picked it up and answered it.  “Hello,” he said.  “This is Detective Joe.”

            “Detective Joe Friday?” the voice on the phone asked.

            “No,” Detective Joe answered.  “I’m a detective most days.”

            “Oh.  Well, anyway, that’s not what I’m calling about.  The reason I’m calling is to place a bomb threat.”  Suddenly the voice turned sinister.  “And the bomb is going to explode in twenty-four hours.”

            Joe asked, “Where is the---?”

            But the caller had already hung up.

            Quickly, Joe went to the captain.  “Captain,” he said.  “I’ve just received a bomb threat over the phone.”
            A look of concern came over the captain’s face.  He was visibly upset.  “This sounds serious,” he said seriously.  “I’m visibly upset.  Where did the caller say the bomb was?”

            “That’s just the problem,” Joe said.  “He hung up without telling me.  But he said the bomb is going to explode in twenty-four hours.”

            The captain became urgent.  “This is urgent,” he said.  “We have to do something.”
            “But what can we do?”

            “What do we usually do when there’s a bomb threat?” the captain replied.  “We evacuate everybody.”
            “But,” Joe objected, “we don’t know where the bomb is.  It could be anywhere on the face of the earth.”

            “That’s exactly the point,” the captain said.  “We’ll have to evacuate everybody on earth to the moon.”

            “But,” Joe objected again, “that’s technologically impossible.”

            The captain scowled.  “Listen to you,” he said.  “I’ll have none of this defeatist talk.  Billions of lives could be at stake, and all you want to do is to discuss the latest technology.  I say let’s get a move on and evacuate everybody from the earth to the moon before that bomb goes off.”

            Within twenty-three hours, the evacuation was complete.  Everybody on the earth had been moved to the moon.

            An hour later, the moon exploded, killing everybody.

            The plan had worked.

 

Moral of the story:  you just never know, do you?

                       

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

 

TALL TALE CANYON

(A tale to be entered in the annual Liars Club Contest)

 

About five years ago, I visited a wilderness area in the Pacific northwest.  While there, I found a footbridge across a narrow canyon.  It was a tall canyon.  It was very tall,  It was very, very tall.  As I looked down from the bridge, I was amazed at how high the canyon was, and how very, very far it seemed to the bottom of the canyon.  On a whim, I pulled from my pocket a penny.  Looking down toward the distant bottom of the canyon, I deliberately dropped the penny over the side of the bridge, and watched it fall… and fall… and fall.  The penny seemed to fall forever… and fall… and fall.

            Finally, I had to turn away and leave.  I returned to my home on the east coast.  But in the following five years, I often thought about that penny, and wondered what finally happened to it.  I jokingly asked my self, I wonder if that penny ever did reach the bottom of that tall canyon.

            Then, a few weeks ago, I paid another visit to that same wilderness area where I had dropped that penny five years before.  Only this time, I did not go to the top of the canyon.  Instead, I went to the bottom of the canyon.  I knew it was a long shot, but I thought maybe, just maybe, I might find that penny.

            Once again, I marveled at how very tall that canyon was, and I thought to myself again, only half-jokingly, what if that penny never had made it to the bottom of the canyon?  It was, after all, a very tall canyon.

            As I stood there musing over this, I heard a sharp thud, as something hit the ground.  I looked, and there, not far from where I stood, I saw a small impact area in the ground, about the size and shape that a penny would make after a very long fall.  I thought--- no, it couldn’t be--- not after five years.  Even so, as I stepped toward that small impact area, my heart quickened.  Slowly, I recognized  that the object which had fallen from above was a small metal disk, brown in color.  I bent over and picked it up.

            Indeed, I was astonished to discover that it was, in fact, a penny!  A penny had fallen from the bridge and landed near me.  But there was no one on the bridge--- I was the only person for miles around.  But as I looked closer at the penny, I realized that it was not my penny, after all.  You may wonder how I could tell, but I could.  You see, this one was an Indian Head penny.

.