Robert Arvay's Humor Blog

Precautionary Notification from the European Theoretical Physics Research Project This is a precautionary notification only.   No actual emergency is known to exist at this particular time.   If that changes, we will make every attempt to warn you in a timely manner, although given the nature of the contingency, that may or may not be possible. As you already know from previous news releases, the European Theoretical Physics Research Project is planning to conduct experiments with its newly designed space-time warp generator.   This exciting new research project is the most ambitious pure research program ever undertaken, and if successful, will expand the frontiers of non-utilitarian knowledge vastly beyond anything ever achieved in the past. Of course, that is a mighty big “if,” as they say in North America . The downside is that, since nothing like this has ever before been attempted, there are inevitably certain risks to be factored in to our considera...

. I went over to my friend Bubba's house today for a short visit. As I walked up toward the house, I was greeted by a fusillade of bullets. I jumped behind a rock and returned fire. Then I heard, "Hey, Robert, is that you?" "Yeah," I said.  "Bubba, wut in tar nation are you doin?" He replied, "I'm defendin mah seff.  Come on inside." Against my better judgment (which isn't much better than my bad judgment) I continued my death-defying journey up the way to Bubba's house. "Looky here wut I got," he said proudly, while brandishing the business end of an AR-15 assault rifle in my face. Pushing aside the barrel, a potentially life-saving act, considering who was on the other end, I said, "Nice gun, Bubba.  But wut are you gonna do with it?" "Why, it's obvious, ain't it?   Ah’m a gonna start defendin mah seff.” “Defend your seff?” I axed incredu- uh, confused. ...

Breaking News This just in.   We have received unconfirmed reports of a major incident.   The exact nature of the incident is as yet unverified, but early reports indicate that it is a very important event, with serious implications for everyone concerned. Let’s go to our crisis reporter, Joan Smith, for the latest update. Hi, Sam.   This is Joan Smith, reporting to you live from the news network crisis center.   We are working feverishly to bring our viewers details on this late breaking news.   Local officials have so far refused to confirm or deny that anything major has occurred, but clearly, something is going on.   We don’t know exactly what, just yet, but it must be serious, because the government is remaining silent about what has happened. Well, Joan, exactly what has happened? Well, that’s just it, Sam, we don’t know. Well then, describe what you do know. We don’t know anything. Nothing? No, Sam, government officials...

The Mystery at Mistryville A mystery story There was a small town called Mistryville.   It was a quiet town, and all the inhabitants of it were happy.   They had no problems, none whatsoever.   Well, that is, except for the unsolved murders which occurred with disturbing regularity.   Hardly a day went by without someone turning up dead.   The police department worked hard to solve these murders, but they were unable to track down the killer.   Some had died by gunshot.   Others had been stabbed.   A few had been poisoned.   But the detectives could find no clues.   No one, however, was worried, since none of those still living had been murdered.   Everybody was just glad to be alive.   “I sure hope the murders have stopped,” a guy named Charlie said.   “If not, I hope I’m not next.”   But he was, and the next day, Charlie was found dead, murdered.   Then the next day, a guy named Joe ...