Seff Dee Fents

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I went over to my friend Bubba's house today for a short visit.

As I walked up toward the house, I was greeted by a fusillade of bullets.

I jumped behind a rock and returned fire.

Then I heard, "Hey, Robert, is that you?"

"Yeah," I said.  "Bubba, wut in tar nation are you doin?"

He replied, "I'm defendin mah seff.  Come on inside."

Against my better judgment (which isn't much better than my bad judgment)

I continued my death-defying journey up the way to Bubba's house.

"Looky here wut I got," he said proudly, while brandishing the business end of
an AR-15 assault rifle in my face.

Pushing aside the barrel, a potentially life-saving act, considering
who was on the other end, I said, "Nice gun, Bubba.  But wut are you gonna do with it?"

"Why, it's obvious, ain't it?  Ah’m a gonna start defendin mah seff.”

“Defend your seff?” I axed incredu- uh, confused.  “Aginst whom?”

“Aginst the neighbors,” he replied.  “As a matter of fact, I was just on mah way over there win you snuck up on me outa nowhere.”

“Snuck?” I said.  “Ah was walkin up the drive way in plain daylight standin straight up,

And you thought I was snuckin?”

“Well, you ain’t very good at it.  Innyway, how about you come with me over to the neighbors?”

“To do wut?” I asked.

“To hepp me dee fend mah seff.”

“But Bubba,” I said, “The neighbors ain’t attackin you.  You cain’t dee fend your seff if nobody’s attackin.”

“Well they ain’t attackin right this very minute.  But you can be sure that they’ll start attakin as soon as they see us comin up their drive way with this here AR-15.  Did I tell you I converted it to full auto?”

“No,” I said, “you didn’t tell me, I figured it out for mah seff when you opened up on me.  But Bubba.  You don’t seem to understand the con sept of seff dee fense.”

“Sure I do,” he sed.  “Seff dee fense is every Amerkin’s right.  An by golly, I intend to extra size my right.  In fact, I got a whole list of places ah’m a gonna go to, fer the express perpuss of dee fendin mah seff.  You know, Robert, I wisht Ida found out about this stuff a long time ago.  Lookit all the fun I been missin.”

“Well,” I sed, “Ah cain’t go with you.  I gotta go to the Homely Dee poh an git me some sod.”

“Some sod?” Bubba asked incredu – confused.  “Wuttya need sod fer?”

“Because,” I answered, “I got me a right to stand my ground.  And ah’m gonna go buy me some so ah kin stand onnit.”
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