Robert Arvay's Humor Blog

. Hello, ordinary Americans.   Charles Evans Hughes the Fourth here.   As Head Whooptie of the ASOPTGFY (American Society of People Too Good for You), I am proud to say that our organization has never stooped to accepting contributions from nonmembers.   We are just too good to accept money from the likes of you.   But due to some recent, unwise financial decisions on our part, we find ourselves forced to consider the unthinkable.   So, for a limited time only, we are offering a unique opportunity to riff-raff and ordinary commoners, to hand over some of their hard-earned money to help support the members of ASOPTGFY in the luxurious lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. No doubt you feel very privileged to receive this generous offer from our treasurer, and you are probably wondering, what is the maximum amount which you will be allowed to give? The good news is that there is no maximum.   You can give any amount you like:   a tho...

The other day I received a call from an old friend whom I had not seen in many years.  We had worked together on some sensitive government projects, the nature of which I choose not to reveal at the present time.  But be assured, they were both necessary and of a nature that--- well, let me get on with the strange events which recently transpired. My friend, I shall call him X, had always been of a cheerful nature, lighthearted and jovial.  But now, after all these years, a darkness seemed to have overtaken him.  Gone was his usual witty humor, and in its place, a barely noticeable desperation, as if he were somehow in imminent danger, and needed someone in whom to confide. I agreed to meet him in a coffee house not far from where I lived. This was after I had first invited him to my home, which he warned me against using for our meeting.  "I'm already being followed," he said.  "No need to lead them directly to where you live." "But,...

. Frum Missus Jones.   Ah deemanned a polojee.   Hou dair u insalt mah sun.   Shor, he wuz leight four klass.   He Ed Mitts it.   Butt thet dont giv u no rite two kall him a Tardie.   An ah got witlesses hu scene u dun it.   Mah sun iz knot a Tardie.   Win he wuz forteen yirz oled, he wuz thuh smortist kid in sekun grayed.   Second Letter to Plant City School Teacher;   Sew.   Thuh inn salts keepa comin, do thay?   Nou u inn salted me.   U sed mah letr wuz thuh tardest letr u ever scene.   Mah huzbin whent threw a lotta trubble 2 git u thet letr.   He werkt all dae lawng at hiz rufin job wif thet letr in hiz pokkit.   He got tar awl over hissef, butt he stil got u thet letr, in pursun, and then u tole him two hiz fayce thet it wuz a tard letr.   U r the roodist teacher ah evver herd uv.   Nou I DEEMANNED a reelie BIG pollojee.   Letter From Plant City School Tea...

. Hey there.   Are you a Philosopher?   Have you been having trouble thinking great thoughts lately?   Do you find yourself thinking, gosh, all the other great philosophers are thinking great thoughts, and here I am thinking about how to do the laundry and stuff?   Have you ever wished that there were some kind of pill you could take?   Well, now there is.   This amazing new product is called, Flossofizer.   Yep.   You just take one pill ever morning, and the next thing you know, you’ll be thinking them there great thoughts jus like all the other flossofers are.   No more will you have to face the embarrassment of having other flossofers askin you ifn you dun thought any great thoughts lately.   No more will you have to make lame excuses like, yeh, I really thought some great thoughts about laundry.   And them all laffin atcha an sayin, laundry?   Laundry?   You call that thinking them there great thoughts?   W...

. Every day, untold numbers of wild animals wake up homeless, and with no money.   Left alone, to fend for themselves, their future is uncertain.   Without health insurance, many of them suffer from disease.   Their elderly perish, with neither a pension, nor long-term care to sustain them.   Tragically, many of them are ripped apart and eaten by vicious lions, or hunted mercilessly by hunters such as me.

  1.     Did I hear a knock?   Who’s there? 2.     Reader’s Digest Sweepstakes?   You mean I finally won?   Come right in! 3.     Hey, aren’t you supposed to read me my Miranda Ri--- ? 4.     I want to see my lawyer.  Here's his num-- 5.     Helicopter?   I didn’t order any heli--- 6.     Dear wife number three, stand right here, would you? 7.     Search warrant?   Let me take a closer look at tha--- 8.     Nyeh nyeh, you’re not allowed to shoo---   9.  You can't do that to me.  According to the Geneva conv-- 10. fill in your guess________________

LITTLE BILLY   Little Billy awoke one morning with a sense of urgency.   Quickly, he got on the telephone and dialed the operator. “Operator,” she said.   She always said that. “Quick,” Billy answered.   He was ten years old, by the way.   “Put me through to the president.”             “Okay,” the operator answered, sensing the urgency in Billy’s voice.   “I’ll call Washington, DC right away.” A few seconds later, a voice at the other end of the line said, “President’s office.   Jake speaking.   What do you want?” Billy answered with a sense of urgency, as only a ten-year-old can.   “Quick,” he said.   “I need to talk to the president.” “Sorry,” Jake said.   “He’s in a meeting right now.   Is it important?” “You bet it is,” Billy answered.   “Do you think I’d be calling the President of the United States if it weren’t important?” There w...